False.
I believe that marriage can be a beautiful and fulfilling bond that can make both parties incredibly strong individuals. However, there exists an element that has been grossly overlooked by so-called "experts" for far too long, and I am confident that it is the root cause of why 50% of marriages fail... it is the Minivan.
For too long couples have been fed the lies that with marriage and kids comes the need to throw away your hopes and dreams, and become boring, practical, individuals that drop the kids off, drive to work, have an asiago tostada at Panera for lunch, pick the kids up, drive home, and be greeted for the third time this week with a hearty meal from Stouffer's Brick Oven Classics Collection, I believe probably a Blackened Tuscan Chicken with Garden Vegetables, if I were to venture a guess.
There comes a time when the conversation arises as to which vehicle you will purchase for the family, and for whatever reason mainstream media has put it into our heads that we must be practical, responsible, and "adult" when making such a decision, so therefore, we MUST purchase the Minivan. Congratulations, you have just destroyed your hopes and dreams, as well as killed your marriage, in one fell swoop.
YOU NEED NOT FALL INTO THIS LIVING HELL, MY FRIENDS! There are many alternatives to the emasculating minivan. According to US News & World Report rankings of the top Minivans (I wanted to use Consumer Reports, but there still aren't enough people clicking on ads so I can't afford the membership), the venerable Honda Odyssey is lord of the lackluster, king of the characterless, and monarch of the monotonous.
I did a little search for new Odyssey's on my goto www.cars.com. The average price in my area, brace yourself for this one (no really, sit the f*** down), was right around $40,000. No, you didn't just have a stroke, that says forty thousand dollars. I can think of cheaper ways to destroy a marriage or your dreams... (crack would be one of them)
Have no fear, because I can save you from destruction - because for around the same price you can have a TOP OF THE LINE (over $100,000 new) Land Rover Range Rover HSE.
This black beauty is a MINT condition 2008 Range Rover HSE with a measly 27,042 miles on it and a list price of $42,998. Keep in mind that this truck was OVER $100,000 when it was new off the lot. Now I know what some of you are thinking, its older, its got nearly 30,000 miles on it and its a Range Rover, so its going to cost a fortune to fix. I respect a healthy questioning of the media, so I address your concerns with a few questions... what price do you put on your livelihood? on your marriage? or on your goals? Because when you drive a Range Rover you are the master of your destiny, the admiral of your own battleship, and never will you have to worry about either your marriage or your existence ending up being that of, in the words of the great Louis CK, "a non-contributing ZERO."
The moral of this story is, if you want your marriage to survive, buy a Range Rover, if you don't, do some crack... or buy a Minivan.
IA, out.
As my second comment on this wonderful website of self-proclaimed impracticalisms (yes that’s a new word, feel free to use it), I find posts like that above becoming all the more practical.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the reason those people newly forced into the life of a parent throw away their fantasies? First let me know provide a reason for the use of "forced" in the above sentence. Whether you planned to create your wonderful bundle of joy or not, it is a creation that will almost instantly put a smile on anyone’s face, from the most hardened to Richard Simmons (well he’s always smiling...and probably hard...wait that’s both gross and off-track...re-adjust) but inevitably those people are then “forced” into a life that almost no one can prepare for. There are plenty of books, websites, CDs, DVDs, and no doubt Blu-Rays to teach you how to be the stereotypical, and yet usually terrible parent in 1080p surround sound fantasticalness (much to my chagrin that apparently is not a new word...well, use it anyways), but none of these prepare you for the throw up and other unsightly fluid ejections onto your favorite shirt, the terribly made Stouffers frozen meals, or the stress that it may or may not put on each member of relationship and in turn the relationship itself.
So why then do people continue to throw away their fantasies? To tackle this question myself I looked to create a fantasy that these so called loving parents have apparently surmised is the only one they have left. The mini-van mentioned above by Mr. IA himself is the Honda Odyssey, which can do nothing but remind you of a terribly long road trip with your bundles of joy in the back, bored with their “Honda DVD Ultra wide Rear Entertainment System with HDMI® Technology” (HDMI Technology?? That has been around for years and is now standard on many things other than cars, don’t try and make it seem like you invented a new wheel Honda…you didn’t) and have turned to the always interesting game known as “are we there yet”! (Well and the reminder of the really long book that you may have read in high school or (please god not and) college that you may have understood if there weren’t 349 characters each with a name longer and more confusing that the one before it.) I’m off track again…re-adjust. Because this is a fantasy, meaning you are the best parent ever and spoil your kids with the Touring Elite that includes features like “Ultra wide” entertainment systems and 3rd row “Magic Seats” with folding armrests (for an even more distracted driving experience), it will cost you a total MSRP of $44,335. So now we both own a $44,335 Honda with a silly grin on its face and a receding hairline that’s moving almost as fast from its hood as the love in our marriage. A vehicle that will not only take my kids and I to their daycare but then proceed to take me to the office with the aforementioned liquid ejections. It will then grin stupidly at my boss’s Range Rover HSE attempting to show off its sliding limbs and magic interior. I will then return to the day care provider to retrieve my bundles of joy and returned home to you just as stressed from your drive in your $44,335 Honda without kids in it because yours had the dirty diaper we forgot to remove from the rear magic seat the day prior. We will thoroughly hate out frozen blackened chicken and vegetables that taste about as good as the sponge that I will use to clean the dishes with and is less nutritious than eating the dirty diaper from the magic seat (sorry, that’s gross, but seriously…Stouffers) and we will retire together to our bed, moving the 15 plastic toys from within the covers and fall asleep to the racket made because you touched 13 of the toys in the right…or wrong place.
Why?
ReplyDeleteWe raise our children to dream, to reach as far as they can in the air and then jump and reach higher. That they can be anything and do anything that they want, and they do! So why can’t we!? Where in the stupid system of corporate culture political agenda and stereotypes did we decide to stop doing that?
Well I refuse. I am sure that Mr. IA refuses. I want you to refuse. Paint a new fantasy. One that goes like this; you have recently married, the bundles of joy are on the way and its time to prepare for their entrance into your life, so first things first you buy a house and instead of moving to the suburbs to promote safety and destroy any unique qualities you may posses, you stay in the city, you buy that house that is in the heart of the action (trust me your kid will thank you for it later when he or she is not a pompous asshole and has friends of other races and knows what to do when confronted by the use of public transit or a homeless person…no that answer is not run away screaming). You then must find a new vehicle. Your friends, experiencing horrible marriage issues behind closed doors, attempt to show you the advantages of their $44,335 Honda, but what do? You laugh in their face and you take a trip to your local luxury car dealership. What do you find? The 2008 Land Rover Range Rover HSE that is mentioned above in the original post. And what have you found you ask? Well you’ve found an absolutely beautiful vehicle. Unlike the Odyssey it does not have a grin with an IQ of 48, or a receding hairline. It instead has a strong sophisticated jaw line, a full head of hair, piercing eyes, and a grill that can let out a roar that would make a fully grown lion purr like your house cat pumpkin, but chooses not to because it is too classy and instead just steals your money with an elaborate con that was planned over a nice Bordeaux. This vehicle is loaded with extras, including a rear entertainment system that, while not “ultra wide”, has realized that your kid was just born and in all likelihood is sleeping in the back seat because of the beautifully calming sound of the muffled rumble and light vibration of its 4.4L V8 and has no need to be entertained. It also has no need for “magic seats” for this vehicle has realized that all that is magic about the silly Honda’s seats is that they fold down…yes with a range rover, magic is not required, this is just what it does.
This range rover not only provides every comfort, safety and space concern that the silly Honda does, but does it without stupid names that cover up their inferiority. Instead it does it with style and sophistication.
Keep your children, yourself and your marriage safe. Buy a Range Rover HSE.