The End of the Universe

I have, against my better judgement, decided to join this mystical universe referred to by insiders as the "blogosphere." Why have I decided to begin my endeavor at 5am? I guess one could say it is the final segment of what has become a trio of very exciting, but when related to sleep, unfortunate events. It all started with a dastardly mini bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream that had been staring at me from the top shelf of my refrigerator for the past month. I decided that tonight would be the night I pull it from the fridge, and mix it up with crappy coffee I bought from Target. Enter number one of three. This of course happened at around 11pm, and being the night owl I am, it seemed early enough to be a logical time for coffee. The caffeine kicks in and voila, I have another brilliant idea to jailbreak my iPad in order to make it more fun. I inevitably play on my iPad for the next three and a half hours. And we have number two. This brings us to the finale of the trio, I finally decide to put down my super cool toy and try and get some shut eye. It seems that at exactly the same moment my eyes shut, a Howitzer goes off in my front yard. This, of course, is not a real Howitzer, but a very close lightening strike that brings along with it a booming crack of thunder. And there goes any hope of sleep.

My caffeinated mind begins to race, and it comes to me, I SHALL START A BLOG! And honestly, I don't know why I haven't done it earlier, it makes perfect sense with my personality... as I hope some of you will agree with as the days pass. I move on to ponder "what should I write on?" That's easy, cars. I have had a lifelong obsession with the glorious machines and with that passion comes an inherent hatred and dissatisfaction with current the direction of the industry, with a few caveats of course, but I will get to those later. I imagine I could have started another useless blog on Politics judging by the even worse direction being staked out by our leaders. Not to mention I could have much to say about the esteemed (no, that's not correct. I'm gonna go with psycho instead) congresswoman from my home state of Minnesota, Michelle Bachmann. But that would be quite useless as I am very positive she is a social experiment put on by some very smart men in lab coats and bi-focals attempting to test the upper limits of stupidity in the mind of the American voter. Because let's be honest, no sane person would ACTUALLY believe the words coming out of her mouth, right?? Ha! You got us! Way to go man in the white lab coat, but really, let's just stop now, some people are beginning to think she is real.

Anyways, I digress. I've been a passionate lover of cars for my entire life, so I'm gonna write some stuff about them, maybe people will find it interesting, and I can be next in line for a presenters job on Top Gear UK (I can work on my accent). As this is my inaugural post, I will attempt to keep it shortish.

Some friends and I have recently realized a tragic fact plaguing the population at large, NONE of you have taste in cars. It seems as though we have lost all imagination as automobile consumers. It's not that awesome cars don't exist today, we have just lost the heart and soul as consumers, of the bygone eras. We are the only country in the whole world that has been developed around the automobile and it has been solidified as a primary part of our lifestyle. Who else in the world would dare live in a country dotted with developments that are hours from the nearest grocery store and still lack a solid means public transport?! We are car people! Sadly, as a nation we've lost sight of our roots.

To give you an idea, those same friends and I had come up with what we believe to be the greatest superpower ever to be thought up by man. It is the power to violently explode any horrible cars that are on the road today, with a snap of our fingers. And, of course, the compliment ability to bestow "healing powers" upon those few bygone or not quite classics eating up asphalt with abundant zeal. What started as a wonderful game became a horrendous chore, we began to realize that we were blowing up (theoretically of course) 99% of the cars on the road. This list includes, but is not limited to Saturn's, PT Cruiser's, the color Gold, the color Plum, Hummer H3's, Two-tone paint jobs, Three-tone paint jobs, Malibu Maxx's, and then there is the bane of my existence, Toyota's pair of heathen devil worshipers, the Camry and Prius.

To make it even worse, 87% of what populates the streets of my fair city are Camry's and Prii. The majority of which are gold or sea foam. If you are reading this and you have spent YOUR hard earned money on one of these horrible, horrible things, (I refuse defile the name "automobile" with their inclusion) you have officially given up on life. Don't come at me with the "Oh but it's practical" or "it get's great gas mileage" arguments, there are plenty of less horrendous practical cars that get good gas mileage. FYI I will be saving my rant on Prii for another post, as it is much too lengthy.

The fact of the matter is, there is a huge proportion of people who are lost and confused. They are spending their money on awful disgraces to the the name "car" but they don't have anywhere to turn. I don't deny there are MANY great cars being made today, which I will absolutely be getting into in the future, but there are too many people wasting their lives with the bad ones.

In the eyes of Lewis Black, the end of the universe occurred when he walked out of a Starbucks and across the street, right in front of his eyes, was another Starbucks. I say fair enough, I might be flustered and confused at that experience, but I came upon something much worse, an experience that shook the very fabric of my soul. I saw the real end of the universe, and it was three identical sea foam colored Priuses, all parked in a row.