My first Guilty Pleasure is the beautiful, gaudy, wonderful, cheesy, obnoxiously stereotyped Chevy Tahoe. In 2007 GM did something they rarely do, made something that looks downright frickin awesome, in an evil henchman sort of way. (Let me get something out of the way, we are NOT mentioning the GMC Yukon because while it is the same truck underneath, it is horrendous to look at.)
Looking at the Tahoe, it's perfect. A mean grill, big chrome 5 spoke wheels, chrome accents in all the right places, and it can only be one color, black. When you see a Tahoe driving down the road, you think one of two things; there goes a poor suburban housewife who's husband couldn't afford more aptly named Suburban, or holy sh** I'm being hunted by Jack Bauer.
The latter feeling is the main reason I absolutely love the Tahoe, because if I owned one, I would be Jack Bauer. Driving around in the Tahoe I would secrete badass, smell of the bioweapon I just defused, and be adorned with the blood of terrorists I have killed in the name of America. I've also developed the ability to go 24 hours with out food, sleep, or bathroom privileges. (Because inevitably I would be caught in a web of international intrigue where it was unclear if my reckless actions and negligence for property or human life were actually in the service of our great country, regardless of my long and decorated secret career of saving the world and America and string of president's I am on a first name basis with.)
The Tahoe then, is truly an awesome truck. It's ridiculously expensive, not very well appointed, and sitting inside you could be in any one of six GM "trucks." The perks of owning one are less obvious, not only can you be Jack Bauer, but when driving around most people think you are either FBI or Secret Service, so you will never have to deal with traffic. In addition, if you are pulling up to a house (or abandoned warehouse holding a secret plutonium enrichment lab in the Port of Los Angeles) any criminals around will scamper away in fear, so you will always be safe from danger.
No more traffic and never having to worry about danger again, seems like a no brainer to me, regardless of the price and the fact the interior is a sumptuous blend of vinyl and plastics. Unfortunately, as you are on your way home from CTU having been held for 13 hours in a detention cell (interrogated using techniques "not condoned by the United States Government" for 4 of those hours), spent another 5 hours following a trail of dead bodies to hunt down the leader of a terrorist cell, only to find out SHE (I know, didn't see that coming either) has rigged 4 dirty bombs to go off in the next 6 hours which are hidden in random parts of the city. Then, getting in no less than 7 high stress car chases, and spending the last 6 hours searching for, and disarming those 4 dirty bombs, you come to an exhausted realization... with badass trucks comes badass responsibility, and the Tahoe just really isn't worth all of that stress.
Agent IA, CTU, signing off.
photo courtesy: www.chevrolet-excellent.com
This, to me, as a fellow automobilist and a comrade of the esteemed author begs the question of where is the line of buying a car strictly for the love of that brand, that model, that year, or cars in general drawn? Can one only purchase a "classic" car for this reason and this reason alone?
ReplyDeleteSo many car enthusiasts buy a "classic" car such as a '68 Mustang or cars of the like while already in possession of one, two, or even three other cars. This is done just so they can keep it in their garage removing it only to wash it every month and immediately drive it to the local grocery to buy one thing, returning home on the long route with the pleasure that we all feel after showing off something that not everyone has (and some crappy food item that they didn't want in the first place).
These cars are bought just for the pleasure of owning them, the pleasure of driving them and the little satisfaction you get when you leave your garage with your miscellaneous pasta salad and look back one more time at your freshly cleaned automobile.
So why can't one buy a car (or "truck") like this 2007 Chevy Tahoe for this same reason? As our above author as well as myself feels, this "truck", which by the way is not a truck at all and I still have no idea why it is referred to as such, is fantastic. Its chunky and angry and badass enough to make you Jack Bauer while still being inviting enough to place your whole family in and tow a trailer with your boat that you also inevitably own out to your cabin for a lovely weekend on the lake.
And so I repeat, Why can't this Tahoe be purchased as an investment in an automobilist's future sanity? Why can't it be purchased in the name of love for the things that every hyrbid and green compliant person tells you (and you really do know) is wrong with it? Why can't this Tahoe be someone's guilty pleasure? Hell, I would be Jack Bauer for 30 minutes a month. I'll survive two high intensity car chases on my way to the grocery store, diffuse a chemical weapon found under the deli case holding my choice of miscellaneous pasta salad and dodge RPG fire all the way back to my garage where I will climb out of my freshly washed, black painted Tahoe with my pasta salad in hand and turn to look back at my ridiculous purchase one last time before turning out the lights, only to enjoy the same thrill next month.